Tao of Active Communication in Korean Families

According to Chinese zodiac, 2007 is “The Year of Golden Pig.”  In Korea, this means ultimate prosperity and fortune, and just saying “Golden Piggy” renders a humorous image and brings on a big smile.  We hope everyone catches a “Golden Piggy” in 2007.

Starting 2007, Asian American Family Services encourages each family to recognize this year a year of healthy marriage and healthy family.  Psychologist Sigmund Freud defined a healthy state as “ability to work and love.”  Koreans say that peace in the family is the foundation of every success.  An Asian proverb states “Peace in the family determines fundamental success in the world.”  Many couples believe that their spouse knows their needs and by now they shouldn’t have to state them.  When the couple has communication trouble, most of the Korean men will say, “Do I even need to mention that to you?  Don’t you know me by now?”  instead of expressing their feelings.  This phenomenon may imply that the spouse trusts his wife enough to “read” his mind. 

It is important as a member of family to understand that we are not psychic.  It is not easy to know exactly what one wants or needs when he or she does not articulate it.  Assuming one can read each other’s minds creates misunderstanding, anger and sadness.  These feelings accumulate over time. 

Alexithymia is a terminology to describe people who have deficiencies in understanding, processing or describing their emotions.  There is no conclusive cause for Alexithymia, although some neuropsychological studies indicate that Alexithymia may be due to a disturbance of the right hemisphere of the brain which is largely responsible for processing emotions.

Many Koreans give the impression of being shyer than other ethnic groups.  Korean men especially appear most uncomfortable in expressing themselves and in articulating their needs; hence they convey their needs and emotions in their behaviors rather than in words.  Our culture valuing men being tacit and patient may explain this phenomenon. 

A Korean proverb says “A word can redeem huge debt,” which shows how powerful communication can be.  Healthy and active communication between parents and children, as well as husband and wife can enhance the growth of healthy relationships.  When a spouse can acknowledge his/her fault and recognize the other’s feeling, it can evoke powerful moment of healing and forgiveness; and can cleanse our accumulated resentments towards each other.  It is not easy to make a living as we adjust in the U.S. culture.  However, home and family is a place where all kinds of communications occur.  Both verbal and nonverbal communications (facial expression, gesture, tone of voice, eye cues, etc.), even the sound of the footstep can be a channel for a communication.  If we can communicate more effectively in our family, our home can be a fountain of our energy and happiness that is the real fortune and ultimate prosperity.